breath . . .

It was 2:30 a.m. when I arrived;

just hours from her last breath.

 

Her chest rising and falling in nomadic rhythm –

a mirror of the relationship we shared – joys, struggles, oblique love:

some known;

some unknown;

some still to be discovered.

 

She did not move, eyes closed –

peaceful other than her dissonant breaths;

a peace that had alluded her in her living.

 

But not quite yet –

her journey toward Union,

still earth-tethered.

 

So we sat vigil . . .

waiting . . .

What else could we do?

Just being with . . .

Being with us.

 

Silence interrupted by occasional conversation –

with each other – seeking some normalcy;

with mom – seeking to help an emancipation,

“It’s okay to go mom.

We love you.

I know dad is getting excited.

Your family is waiting…”

 

When breath, life, and love

becomes so clearly focused,

I do not know what else to trust but Intimacy.

I do not know another to trust

but the One in which we all have breath.

 

To live within this kind of trust is a constant craving.

 

Then, watching, I saw mom begin to trust the One holding her.

Breathing rhythmically now.

Breathing with the One.

Slowly bringing her breath into One.

Until her body had no need for earth’s confining atmosphere.

 

Now her spirit breathes pure Ruah;

breathing in the One who first gives breath.

Now the “i” breathes within “I AM”.

Open Windows…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I tell myself, “don’t open that window –-

others will see the darkness within.”

But I deceive myself –-

I am really afraid of what my own eyes will see.

 

So keep the windows shut;

bolt the doors;

nail them all shut.

So much energy exerted

trying to harness the dark side of me;

my True-Self  sacrificed on this altar.

 

 

Who knew the ordinary would invite the extraordinary?

an analogy opened before me . . .

a parable poised for the telling . . .

 

Do I dare peer into the vacant darkness?

Do I risk looking beyond framed obscurity into a greater reality?

What monsters will unleash their furor?

Pain?

yes –- if I want to know the deep wonder of fully living . . .

Fear?

for sure –- a sign of venturing intimacy . . .

 

It is hard to turn loose of what we know –- of what is comfortable -–

even if what we hold close is killing us.

 

But now with doors flung open, light shines where it had not, exposing:

Joy . . .

flowing like a shallow stream at first . . . but streams eventually become deep oceans;

Unknowing . . .

a perpetual adventure in trusting Mystery;

Love . . .

deeper than we have words to speak -–

for ourselves, for others,

for the Mystery we are learning to trust.

 

And this is all my soul asks –-

courage, strength, and grace to peer into the darkness and truth of who I am;

trusting there is abundant life on the other side, and maybe,

even within the darkness itself . . .

A candle’s worth of Light…

 

 

 

 

 

Within the dissected souls we carry,

there is a deep longing . . .

thirst for a drop of wholeness;

craving for a healing salve that soothes the spirit;

hunger for a peace to drench an anxiety-parched inner landscape . . .

 

We light a candle . . .

familiar words come —

“Light keeps shining in the dark,

darkness has never put it out.”

 

we take another step into a deeper knowing —

a candle’s worth of Light is all we need . . .

Walking Along Borders…

 

 

 

 

We walk along the borders of our living,

not really living;

but trusting perceived securities that barriers cloak as promises…

 

But where are our deep longings calling us?

Why do we find ourselves hanging around the borders of our lives?

What is beyond what we cannot see?

Really living?

What Now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What now?

now that we’ve come to end of who we think we are?

now that we are exposed –-

souls opened from suffering’s reality and love’s intimacy?

now that we find ourselves, again, on the ground –-

where knowing the earth’s muddy texture has become too common?

What now?

 

We get up again.

Now we begin the journey . . .

now we lean into Love –- letting go of what was . . .

now we fall into what is and what will be . . .

now we allow ourselves to be embraced by Hope

now we relinquish ourselves into Life . . .

Trusting in Trust…

 

this swirling vortex is deceiving –- truly beautiful . . .

But I feel the force of

dark energy . . . sucking me in;

No relief –- the pull is constant.

Does it let up?

 

The window of hope seems to open at times –-

clear sky . . . clean air;

But old voices tease –- filled with venom . . .

looking to rush in for a quick bite.

Others are more cunning –- mingled with hope . . .

like a parasitic vine –-

creeping up the fibrous foundation that brings life;

longing to pull me back into the black hole . . . into nothingness.

 

I remember whispers of wisdom speaking the breadth of life –-

the journey filled with horizons, black holes, trails into the unknown,

briar infested pathways, companions along the way,

light that warms the soul . . .

 

This moment is not the whole . . . but live this moment I must –-

In this moment, when venomous voices rise . . .

when the nothingness of a black hole seems imminent –- I trust;

Allowing the long view of this trust to nourish hope . . .

And maybe that’s all I can do for now –- trust in trusting . . .

 

 

 

 

Defining moments…

 

 

There are those moments when,

to find yourself in the place you want to be  –-

you have to jump . . .

 

Those moments . . .

poised . . .

muscles tensed . . .

fear, excitement, anticipation, doubt, courage pulsing . . .

 

Those moments when the heart and mind race . . .

Do I dare trust . . .

myself?

What awaits to catch me?

 

There are those moments when,

to find yourself in the place you want to be  –-

you have to jump . . .

 

Not with abandon — although it may feel so . . .

but with a firm, trusting embrace of the unknown.

 

May hope give courage to let go . . .

May faith embrace doubt,

And may trust tame the fear that screams within –-