there is a Way…

24 08 2018

 

Little River Stairs

Can I be with myself – in quiet?

In this silence?

No sound but my breath;

no noise to distract me from myself.

 

Will I allow myself to be in this stillness?

Addictive anxiety pulsing through my veins –

my monkey mind swinging

thought to thought to thought.

 

What keeps me from stepping through stillness’ door?

Knowing I will become aware of Truth?

Sensing ego’s scheme will be unveiled and challenged?

Fearing my safe god will be exposed?

 

And what has become my god?

To what earth-tethered objects do I attach my self?

To what desperate motives do I cling?

 

I worship at the altar of pleasing other –

egotism my established religion.

I am a faithful follower.

 

I practice my self-serving faith – daily;

worshipping societal gods – daily;

believing salvation will come through my own devices – daily.

 

Freedom, though, is no closer than the day before.

Beliefs have no marrow – empty and hollow;

love a measured possession.

 

I am mortal…impermanent.

I cannot come to authentic self by my own sovereignty –

although ego would like to think so.

 

But there is a Way…

welcoming my monkey mind for what it is

then letting go – ten thousand times…letting go.

 

There is a Way…

Not pushing – but waiting;

Not striving for – but resting in;

Not me – but we.

 

There is a Way…

Being with myself in quiet – in silence…

knowing the Way perpetually with me.

 

There is a Way…

Inside each breath –

within each chest rise and fall.

 

There is a Way…

Through the fear of what I might discover…

within what terrifies me most.

 

There is a Way…

Abiding within stillness

when a noise saturated world entices and beckons.

 

Can I be with myself – in quiet?

In this silence?

There is a Way…

 





my delimitative end?

15 04 2016

DSC_0626

Expectations conspire to confine me;

Anxieties hungry to bind me;

Fears scheme to define me.

 

Is this, then, my delimitative end?

 

Living in a system that would affirm this desuetude – spinning words dripping, sweet and savory?

 

Powerless against omnipotent exterior forces, an illusion I count as truth?

 

I am called beyond this prescriptive and self-subscribed living –

freedom within my DNA.

 

I’d rather have the Limitless be my guide…

Unchained from Expectation’s hopeless yoke;

Unbound from Anxiety’s insatiable appetite;

Undefined from Fear’s rigid borders.

But Love –

always Love…

cropped-choptank-morning.jpg





It’s not about me . . .

20 01 2016

DSC_0189

It’s not about me. . .

 

Although the wall of defensiveness surrounding me –

built by my own hands,

seems to indicate otherwise.

 

Although the perception of myself as frequent victim,

seems to point to a belief that it is all about me.

 

Although the belief that I am responsible for you

(and all the world around me and beyond as far as that goes),

seems to have the feel that it is all about me.

 

Although fear screams inside me;

fear that breeds constant over-functioning anxiety;

fear that implores me to believe that you spend all your time wrapped

in the missed details of our interactions;

seems to point to the consideration that I know it is all about me.

 

But it is not…

 

O, ego. You are a sly one – convincing me to believe it is so vital to my living.

 

What is it anyway, that we would give it so much power?

2015-06-28 20.11.16edited





This Moment

7 07 2015

11137195_690785687693959_2539573422800035990_n

She leans her head to rest on my shoulder;

her touch – a pulse of life-light waking my soul.

I want to hold onto this moment;

but if I try,

the moment will be wasted on the holding –

another moment to control . . .

an invitation for anxiety extended.

Her head on my shoulder;

a life-pulse offering peace, joy, love;

awakening me to gratitude and gratefulness —

for the joy,

for the peace,

for the love,

for the one leaning.

And in this moment, love flows out to her . . .

to the world . . .

Maybe it is best if I let this moment hold me . . .





Bowing to Murky Waters…

12 02 2013

Choptank creek

 

 

 

A current of anxiety flows steady within;

What is your name?

Expectation?

Fear?

Who are you that muddies the stream?

 

My spirit is preoccupied —

I bow to murky waters . . .

 

Eyes turned toward shadows,

I have no notice of the warmth that bathes me — anointing me;

Light illuminating life all around me — within me;

Light bidding me to live love in the present . . .

each “present-moment” accumulating into my future . . .

 

Awareness slowly dawns . . .

Orientation of genuflect and gaze begins to transform . . .

 

 





Open the door…

23 01 2013

Cape May remnants

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like waves upon the shore, anxiety continually breaks over me;

concerns of the future pound at my door;

and I am unaware of the fullness in living pregnant in this moment;

I give myself away too easily . . .

 

Yet there is Another pounding;

growing louder . . .

quieting the voices that want to own me . . .

Spirit dawning in every breath;

awakening the passion of Life deep-rooted in the now . . .

 

Open the door . . .





Lessons from the Trail

1 01 2011

It was cool up on the mountain – mist filled air while mountaintops kissed the sky. I had water, my lunch, and my camera as I began a steady climb along the Appalachian Trail from New Found Gap to Charlie’s Bunion.

I love hikes ending with a breath-taking vista, and from the description (100 Hikes in The Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Russ Manning, second edition, p. 161) – quiet, a view of endless mountain, a 1000-foot sheer drop – Charlie’s Bunion fit my fancy. Somehow, though, I over looked the “four miles one way” part of the description.

One foot in front of the other – up mountains and through mist; over rocks and roots; following switchbacks and side trails…silently I made my early morning trek. Excitement ran high in the beginning and the vision of “endless mountains” soaked my imagination. However, after a couple of miles, there were no longer “visions of endless mountains dancing in my head.” It was more like a self-imposed inquisition taking place: “Why did you get up so early to do this?” “What did you miss in the phrase Smoky MOUNTAINS?” “What is this conspiracy against your own body?” The cloud of questions had a smell of paralysis – teasing me into discounting my experience of the climb…the “on-the-way” moments. But grace and the waft of Frazier Firs brought me back to my senses – literary…the aroma of fir and fall soil…the sight of moss covered rocks and a canopy of trees. Now, the “on-the-way” moments were giving me life. They became just as an important part of the journey as was my destination – without these steps I would never make it to see the endless vista.

It is one thing to read about a destination – beautiful views and a sheer drop of 1000-foot – and another to experience it. The trail guide did not lie…breathtaking. Mountain upon mountain…valleys being touched by morning’s first light…waves of mountaintops bathed with sun and clouds. Words could not capture what my eyes were holding in this moment. I believe that’s what happens when one is captured by the beauty of the present moment – by the awareness of being in the presence of the One who is always present.

Charlie’s Bunion’s was magnificent…huge boulders clinging to earth, seemingly teetering on the edge of the world. As I began my way around the trail just below the crest of Charlie’s Bunion, there was a sign, “Watch Your Children, Danger Ahead”…hmmmmm?

The first thirty yards past this sign, the trail was wide, weaving around and over rocks. As I approached an outcrop of rock cantilevered over the valley below, a couple had already taken their place here, so I continued around the trail. As I emerged from behind this rock outcrop, my stomach sunk and I became a light-headed. I had stepped onto a path about six feet wide covering a space from the mountain wall on my right to that 1000 foot sheer drop I had read about.

I wanted to escape and yet I didn’t. I felt fear, anxiety, and panic…but also awe, exhilaration, and joy. After a few moments, of just being in that space…just waiting… a comfortableness came and I was awakened to the beauty surrounding me – unhindered vistas, a quiet-filled peace, birds floating on the air below me…the miracle of creation. This was the place…I took off my backpack, found a rock to lean against and had an early lunch…communion.

Even standing in this spiritual place, I was still unaware of the deeper meaning this space would have. It’s just like God…new insights and awakenings taking me deeper into faith, into myself, into the heart of God.

That feeling of stepping out from behind the rocks onto the ledge – that’s how transitions and change can feel – stomach sinks, lightheaded, fear, anxiety, panic…even with God’s presence so evident. But if we take in those “on-the-way” moments, if we stay in the present, if we do not turn back to what we believe is more secure…our spirit begins to settle and our soul’s eye begins to adjust and we become aware of God with us. Perspective begins to change and we begin to see new vistas…new possibilities…new insights…there is awe, exhilaration, and joy. Who knows, we may even feel comfortable enough to lean on the Rock and enjoy a bit of communion!