trying to understand…

11 01 2020

tunnel

Who are we God?

Are we so lost?

Where lies become truth and divisiveness is lifted as unity;

where our leaders unsheathe fear daily.

 

And we justify…

We rationalize…

Contorting facts until

they match our truth.

 

Where one professes his Christianity –

a follower of the one, Jesus the Christ –

yet vehemently attacks the personhood of others daily.

Jesus…you did this?

 

Where one claims to be the chosen one…

placing himself equal with One who lived among us without stain.

one, a mortal, seeing no self-faults…no need for forgiveness.

Followed religiously by those who preached there is only One.

 

Others still, cower beneath the wielding of fear and hate –

selling their souls for the lust of power, prestige and approval;

taking the form of what they fear;

callousness their elixir…insecurity occupying their soul.

 

I am just trying to understand…

Who God is; our faith; what is gospel; who we say we are –

they are true in each moment?

Not to be  – can’t be – dissected from our living?

 

Why is there a need for such division among us?

My faith taught me God desires us to be community.

And why do believers follow this one so zealously instead of the One?

This one who reads Christmas greetings of unity – then attacks, divides,

and sows distrust.

 

A faith sojourner’s voice still rings within my preschool heart:

Mrs. Jackson…

“Be kind one to another”… “God loves everyone”…“We are all God’s children.”

Do we not know the greatest power – Love – already within?

 

And I am no saint for sure.

Needing daily awareness to tame my ego;

daily courage to choose Love over fear

(failure a frequent companion I must admit).

 

I have a part, I know, in applying a healing balm;

Speaking unity into divisiveness – within myself and into our world;

needing the touch of grace, forgiveness, and Love constantly.

So I write this as a beginning – trying to understand…

Railroad Tunnel

 





another day…

25 08 2019

Choptank Morning Reflection

Another day Dear One,

and my longing for deep Union grows.

 

Another day, and still, guilt and shame fabricate a filtered vision –

perceiving through my faults, my failures, my inadequacies…

Scarcity’s presence always looming;

a veiled reality is all I can bear.

 

Another day and walls of fear separate me

from myself – from others;

from creation;

from You, Dear One.

 

Another day and I numbly embrace culture’s fixed categories and systems –

where control maintains a false security;

where oppression is a harness for perceived power;

where my fear, too, would enslave another within categories and systems.

 

You, though, Dear One… Your vision is veil-less and clear.

You love fearlessly – incessantly;

gazing upon us as Love’s potential – full of infinite possibility;

Your perspective unconstrained and limitless.

 

Unity – Your heart’s desire:

no labels…no categories…no typecasts.

In Your eyes – each moment sacred and new…dwelling in reality’s now;

Each day seeing us as we are – Love…

 

making each day not just another day.





Wake me up…

27 07 2019

I feel my heart beating – desire driving me;

longing…aching…for a deeper intimacy;

Still, wanting to know;

wanting to be known.

 

Sensing…tasting Truth.

Wanting to hold its fullness –

knowing this paradoxical impossibility;

dreaming, still, that it might be.

 

My heart’s door open – braving known brokenness,

knowing brokenness will come again –

a portal to Union…Freedom…LOVE.

My little ego would try and convince me otherwise.

 

When I desire control, wake me up God.

When I yield to or live blindly out of fear – wake me up God.

When I am enmeshed in manipulative, egoist sacrifice – wake me up God.

When I do not see others or me as You see – wake me up God.

 

I am famished, hungering for elusive transformation.

Yet transformation – seemingly stagnant – stirs;

in motion, in this moment…in ways I cannot see…in ways that will become.

Wake me up…

 

Help my heart, then, to be quiet so that I may listen.

Help my being wait…not in anxious passivity, but in anticipatory hope.

Help my spirit discern the Spirit’s stirring within…a deep, ongoing conversation.

Wake me up…

IMG_0709





Transformation…

27 01 2019

Friends Chairs

Ego and Transformation are having an earnest conversation . . .

Ego, loud and seemingly confident – really, fearful of losing itself;

Transformation speaking from authenticity –

knowing Love, Freedom, and Truth.

 

My soul suspended within the dialogue ;

wishing only to hibernate just a bit longer –

muscles, nervously weak;

instinctively knowing living out ego’s desires is death.

 

I hear Transformation’s voice –

Her hope-filled intonations reverberating within my unknown –

knowing what I do not.

Waiting for me on the other side of threshold. . . waiting…

 

(Deep breath…)

 

What is my compelling desire…truly?

To dare move toward what I cannot fully know…trusting?

To want and to know Love more deeply?

Or to stand firm in perceived certainty – within my walled world view,

never moving closer than what I am now into Wholeness’ warm Light?

 

Am I ready?

Maybe it is the doubt revealed in this question

that keeps me from stepping into liminal space?

Am I willing to trust myself into Transformative Love?

 

Can I handle the gifts She offers?

I suspect not on my own – maybe that’s the point.

Shall I remain here in anxiety and fear’s ceaseless embrace?

Tunnel vision can feel safe…

 

Or will I focus on Love’s glint in Transformation’s eyes?

Will I recognize the hope She holds for me?

How She holds me?

Teaching me to embrace anxiety and fear?

Teaching me to embrace myself?

 

Vulnerability is risky…scary;

something to admire in others.

But, I know…

I know I cannot bear to stay where I am…

 

A deep trust-infused prayer slips silently past my lips.

Courage begins to encircle anxiety and fear.

I find myself, now, at Transformation’s portal.

I lift my foot. . .





lost…and finding

23 12 2018

clouds & mountains

Its subtleness is like a drug –

“busy-ness” consumes each next moment;

each next minute;

each next hour;

each next day.

 

I have followed the imperative paths of the next task

until I become numb to the contours of my own life.

Rote living has become rote.

I do not recognize home.

I do not recognize the essence of who I am.

 

Awareness awakens me…“I am lost.”

 

Lost in accumulated expectations;

Lost in incapacitating emotional muck;

Lost in debilitating relational upheaval;

Lost in exhausting, ego-feeding energy spent.

I am so far away from myself –

dissected from my soul.

 

Sunset approaches…

 

I am writing into darkness.

I am writing on the edge of what feels like non-existence,

sitting within midnight’s realm…

Where you cannot see me;

where I cannot see myself.

 

I am writing into pain –

not that which is felt by flesh,

but deep, description defying pain,

residing in the essence of our being…

boring its way toward the surface.

 

I am writing into shame and anger,

learned and unmerited,

placed on shoulders by others…by me;

anger birthed from guilt and this shame –

the denial of which turns to fear, bitterness, and hate.

 

How vulnerable it feels when our pain is exposed.

How vulnerable to name our anger, guilt and shame.

How vulnerable it feels when moving from invisibility to authenticity;

questioning our existence instead of living as if we don’t;

remaining in consuming darkness when it would be easier to flee.

 

I am so thirsty;

so hungry for lived truth.

I long for Home…

longing for Light in darkness – pre-dawn hope.

 

It’s time to let go of all that expectation would have me be –

who I am is enough in this moment…

will be enough in becoming.

It’s time to embrace darkness and pain…

the welcoming of which leads to wholeness.

It’s time to rise with life scars engraved into my being…

symbols of being truly alive – hidden by cosmetics no more.

It’s time for a grateful heart, knowing I am not alone –

held by both community and Creator.

How vulnerable it feels when you live fully into others and into this world.

 

And this is weakness?

I would suggest otherwise –

 

I am writing into freedom –

through the darkness and pain;

letting go of all that expectations have planned for me;

letting come all of whom I have been created to be.

being found daily…

Cromwell Flower





in darkness, seeing clearly…

5 09 2016

 

choptank dock midnight 2_edited-1

It is the night sky where we see light most clearly.

The Presence of Slowness washes over us;

lying on our backs;

bathing in stillness;

looking up;

cicadas singing love songs to our soul.

 

This is where we are known.

This is where we know.

 

It is in darkness’ depths where light seems helpless,

persuaded by the gravity of our great void.

Our imminent demise gaining momentum;

lying in fetal position;

bathing in fear and anxiety;

looking down;

hawking voices singing songs of hopelessness.

 

This is where we are closest to Knowing.

This is where we are fully known.

 

And when caverns of darkness consume faith;

when the air is heavy with shadows –

be still.

The essence of our being will not be decimated;

we will not lose ourselves, despite ego’s contrary belief;

but we begin to shine.

 

Trying to escape –

moving so carelessly in such dark, is too dangerous.

We will remain unchanged.

 

But in the remaining,

through the darkness, while our spirit eyes adjust;

be ready to welcome evidence of Light;

the glimmer of Loves soft light;

the warmth of Love beside us in vast emptiness.

We will begin to discover ourselves…

our true, authentic selves.

Born of the darkness in which we sit;

created by Love that embraces us… always.

 

Looking up or down, then, it matters not.

It is in darkness where Light is most visible. . .

 





Risking Evolving Perspectives

7 05 2016

DSC_0195

Sometimes I forget.

I become very comfortable with my life perspective and my daily living – routines; nuances of habit; and the galvanizing of my view of the world, of myself, of you.
I feel safe and secure. I am content (or is it I am too fearful?) and would rather not move. “You come to me. I’m good where I am.”

I imagine I am not the only one who forgets.

Yes, what bliss it is to live in the realm of limited consciousness – defending defined borders along unknown lands; staving off responsibility that protects us from the depth of who we are.

Here, we live in complacent simplicity –
separating and dividing;
categorizing and generalizing;
delineating between “us and them”;
coveting absolutes not ambiguity;
allowing the container of who we are to become the content – no more, no less.

Fear, in this storyline, is the primary plot device.

The ego is driven to manufacture a god for our own comfort – holding tight to the wardrobe keys so Narnia will remain undiscovered . . . seeking self-preservation.

We work so hard. We deceive ourselves.

But maybe . . . maybe living fully is not viewing life always from my own ground. Maybe it is about moving – that first step away from “home” is always the hardest.

There is always an invitation to explore the Limitless: in the truth that all of who we are, light and shadow, is loved already – no strings attached; in faith that we can risk journeying into the unknown and the doubt of uncertainty; in trust that we can embrace blurred boundaries; in hope of discovering the depth of who we are created to be; and

in the joy of living into the bliss of new dawning horizons, awakening us to a new way of being in the world; to a new way of being with others.

Risking the comfort of my own perspective is scary – even opening a paper-thin crack in the door. But what is the cost of staying where I am?

May you know that you are not alone.

May you be given grace enough to lean into the One who is the genesis of our seeing.

May you be granted courage to take that first step into new horizons.

And may you dwell in the bliss found in the community of evolving perspectives.

 

Tallulah Gorge Bridge